Growth Through Self-Compassion (No Drill Sergeant Required)

My list of resolutions is long this year.

Less scrolling, more books.

Less sugar, more vegetables.

Less spending, more saving.

Less scrolling (again), more exercising.

Less frustration, more deep breathing.

Less scrolling (there’s a theme), more sleeping.

I will always be a work in progress. January just has a way of spotlighting all the places where progress feels stalled.

So, here’s a thought: less self-criticism, more self-compassion.

Compassion often gets confused with permissiveness. The kind that sounds like: I’m being compassionate with myself, so I won’t make myself get up and tackle that project that’s been hanging over me for months. In fact, I’ll have a cookie and scroll Reddit instead. Life is hard. I’ve earned it.

We see this same kind of faux compassion show up elsewhere too. A child is having a tantrum, so an adult gives in. A spouse is repeatedly hungover, so their partner calls in sick for them (again). It looks kind on the surface, but it doesn’t actually help.

This version of “compassion” keeps people stuck.

It keeps me weighed down by a project that never gets done.

It keeps the kid who always gets his way from building frustration tolerance, so every disappointment later in life feels catastrophic.

And it keeps the person struggling with substance use from experiencing the real consequences of their problem, allowing it to grow until the stakes are much higher.

If compassion involves concern for suffering, then enabling patterns that increase suffering over time aren’t compassion at all. They’re indifference in disguise.

At the other extreme, the drill sergeant approach doesn’t work either. Humans tend to rebel when they feel pushed, even when we are the ones doing the pushing. Yelling at yourself rarely leads to sustainable change. It mostly leads to burnout, avoidance, or an internal rebellion.

So how do we do hard things without white-knuckling our way through them?

Psychologist Kristin Neff, Ph.D., a leading researcher on self-compassion, offers a helpful framework. She identifies three core components:

Self-kindness (instead of self-judgment)

Treating yourself with encouragement and care, the way you would a friend who is struggling, rather than with harsh criticism.

Common humanity (instead of isolation)

Remembering that struggle is part of being human. You are not uniquely broken for finding things difficult.

Mindfulness (instead of over-identification)

Noticing your suffering without becoming consumed by it, so you can respond thoughtfully rather than emotionally.

Neff offers a simple self-compassion practice that brings these elements together. When we’re feeling the weight of suffering, including suffering that is self-inflicted, we can pause and say to ourselves:

1.        This is a moment of suffering.

2.        Suffering is part of life.

3.        May I be kind to myself in this moment.

So, instead of making a long list of New Year’s resolutions, I’m trying something different. One resolution about how I approach growth.

I’ll do hard things not because I need to whip myself into shape, but because future me will be happier for it and I care about her. I’ll work toward change with kindness, connectedness, and clarity.

And I’ll leave the drill sergeant out of it.

You can learn more about the Self-Compassion Break here.