Putting Down the Bullhorn: Motivational Interviewing for Parents

As a parent, it is incredibly difficult to hold back when we see our children making choices we disagree with or choices that could cause them harm. We feel a profound responsibility to lead them in the right direction. When they start to veer off track, our instinct is to coax, or even yank, them back onto the "right" path.

When our children are small, this is relatively straightforward.

"Oh, you want candy instead of dinner? Interesting proposition. How about... no."

 If we have the energy, we explain that their bodies need nutrition. If they don’t accept that, we simply put the candy on a shelf they can’t reach. Either way, the result is the same: they aren’t eating the candy for dinner.

As our children get older, however, we lose that physical control. They can now reach all the same high shelves we can. Yet our desire for them to make good choices remains just as strong. We may still see them as vulnerable children in need of guidance, but they are also full-fledged people with their own perspectives, goals, and priorities. And like any other human, their priorities may not align with ours.

The Conflict of Care vs. Autonomy

 How do we balance the urge to protect them with the responsibility to encourage their independence? I face this conflict not only with my own children but also with my clients. I care about them and want them to be happy, yet I often see them making choices that I feel are not in their best interest.

I have to remind myself that I am not the ultimate authority on what is right for another person. My role is to empower them to do what they feel is right for themselves, whether I agree or not. So, how do we actually do that?

Enter Motivational Interviewing

 Motivational Interviewing (MI) is a therapeutic technique designed to help people work through ambivalence, that "stuck" feeling of wanting change while simultaneously resisting it.

MI was originally developed for individuals struggling with substance use, a situation rife with ambivalence. On one hand, the substance use causes social, legal, and emotional problems. On the other hand, the substance often serves a vital purpose, such as coping with trauma or preventing the physical agony of withdrawal.

The Mirror vs. The Bullhorn

 When people feel ambivalent, they naturally adopt the argument opposite to the one being pushed on them. This is especially true for toddlers and teens, two developmental stages defined by a drive for independence and identity. People resist being told what to do, even when they are confused about their own path. In these moments, it is often more helpful to offer a mirror rather than a bullhorn.

 The Toddler Bullhorn: “No! If you only eat candy, your teeth will fall out and you’ll feel sick!” (I may have said this verbatim a few hundred times).

 The Toddler Mirror: “I hear you want candy for dinner. But the last time you did that, you had a big stomachache. What do you think about that?”

 The Teen Bullhorn: “Knock it off! You’re going to ruin your life!” (I have certainly felt like saying this in sessions; in my experience, this approach has never actually made anyone "knock it off").

 The Teen Mirror: “I hear you saying you went to that party, drank too much, and missed your job interview. What was that experience like for you?”

Walking the Path Together

 Finding the balance between care and autonomy is exhausting. It is painful to release control when you are certain a loved one’s choice will cause them pain. It’s hard not to lecture, plead, or threaten until we realize those things simply aren't effective.

Being a teen is hard. Being a toddler is hard (my four-year-old recently told me this, and I believe him). Both want to find their own way, but the path is often blurry and frightening.

More than a guide, our children need a companion. They need someone who will walk the path with them, helping them weigh risks and benefits without judgment. They need someone who believes they are capable of making good choices, learning from their mistakes, and eventually finding their own way.