The Child Within Is Still Talking: Reparenting Childhood Wounds

Ugh. Childhood wounds. Not being loved, seen, heard, or treated the way we needed when we were at our most vulnerable. Childhood shapes our worldview, lays the foundation for our attachment style, and shows up throughout all our relationships, from romantic relationships to friendships to work to our relationships with our own children. And I have yet to meet a person who has escaped childhood unscathed.

There is always something that is too much or not enough. Too much involvement. Not enough affirmation. Too much protection. Not enough listening. Too much distance. Not enough independence. Even the experience of being raised by a parent who is too attuned can inhibit resiliency when we inevitably encounter more challenging relationships later in life. So, we’re doomed, right?

Despite all we know about the importance of our, “formative years,” and despite the fact that we all carry wounds of one type or another, somehow people manage to heal. To forgive. To move forward. It is important to know where we came from and why we “are the way we are.” Not so we can stay stuck there, but because insight gives us choices. We become aware of when we are reacting from the place of our wounded inner child versus our wiser and more capable older self. And awareness allows us to choose which one we want taking the reins at any given moment.

Much of the time, we believe that the way forward is simply to “get over it.” I often hear things along the lines of: “It was a long time ago.” “It wasn’t that bad.” “Plenty of other people have it worse.” “They did their best.” “I don’t want to be unfair or ungrateful.”

And yet our inner child continues to protest and demand our attention, though usually not in a straightforward, “Hi, this is your inner child speaking,” kind of way. More often, it emerges in the context of present-day relationships. A forgetful moment by a spouse cuts especially deep and we aren’t sure why. A friend’s offhand comment sparks intense anger. We find ourselves having conversations with invisible people in the shower, replaying events over and over to try to make sense of it all, alternating between rage and shame.

A therapist I once worked with used to say, “If it’s hysterical, it’s historical.”

So just “getting over it” does not seem to be the answer. Instead of pushing away that wounded inner child, what if we moved toward it instead?

Reparenting is the idea that we can learn to attend to our inner child in the way it needed all along and, by doing so, reduce the ways those old wounds spill into present-day life. It is similar to how a young child will repeat the same thing over and over until you say it back to them. Once they know they have been heard, they feel more able to move on. But until that happens, they are persistent. And you are annoyed. That brief moment of attention and validation is often all that is needed to soothe them enough to allow you to resume what you were doing.

How does this translate to the inner child who shows up in our day-to-day lives? Sometimes it can be as simple as briefly acknowledging that they are there. Letting them know you see them and recognize the hurt they are feeling. Trying to understand what they need. Maybe it is affirmation that they are good and important and cared for. Maybe it is a moment of tenderness, a hand on the heart, or a soothing breath. Maybe it is simply acknowledging that this is a hard feeling. We can imagine what we might say to a hurting child. We can write them a letter. We can imagine asking how we can help. We can assure them that they will not be forgotten by us.

Once we have taken a moment to soothe the vulnerable part of ourselves, we might notice that some of the emotional intensity surrounding our current situation begins to dissipate. We can see the forgetful moment or offhand comment as just that. We can allow space for the possibility that there are factors we are unaware of influencing outcomes and that, most of the time, it is not personal, or at least not as personal as we imagine. And we can focus on the soothing warmth of the water while in the shower rather than hosting a court proceeding in our heads.

Childhood wounds did not appear overnight, and they cannot be healed overnight. It is an ongoing process of learning to attend to ourselves in a different way. It can be difficult to let go of the sense that someone else should be doing this for us. But, once we take on the task ourselves and discover that we can do it effectively, we may find that we feel just a bit more free.

We may never become entirely unwounded. However, with intention and care, we can loosen the grip those childhood wounds have on our lives.